on fear and faith

there is a deep anxiety that so often drives me. pushes me to make plans, and back-up plans, and back-up plans to my back-up plans. brings a lump to my throat when I realize that next month I'm 29, which is almost 30, and i'm not the kind of adult i thought i'd be by now. makes me dizzy when people ask me: so, what are you going to do after this year?...since i have a million ideas but really no clue, and "this year" is half-way over. 

it's the fear that conjures images of spinstery cat ladies eating buckets of ice cream over Lifetime movies on a Saturday night. of a blank expired passport and a minivan full of carseats and a mortgage. or no minivan, caked with fingerprints, hiding broken crayons and stale cherrios... 

the fear of disconnection. and loneliness. and boredom. and meaninglessness. 

it's based on a lie that goes like this, a lie that mocks God's very character, a lie as old as the earth itself. the lie of Eden: God will withhold from me what I most desire. so to make sure i get it, i have to take it for myself. have to strive, to manipulate my life and relationships to make sure i get what i think i want. what i think is best. and sooner rather than later, because time is slipping away and if not now: never.  

the lie of scarcity. of a stingy god and an unfulfilled jenny. 

obviously, i believe that life doesn't just happen to us. (disclaimer: i'm talking to adults in the free world here). that we aren't to sit around passively while external circumstances dictate our future, anxiously awaiting a lightening bolt or secret message from heaven to tell us what socks to wear or what job to take. that we are to act on our behalf. that God can and does direct us through our internal desires, our interests, and our personalities. as well as our circumstances, the words of our community, the things we call coincidences, and divine invitations that resound in the quiet of our hearts.  

but not through our fear, based on a jacked up belief about the very nature of who he is. not that. 

and so i face that lie. and the counter to it. the truth: that God will supply all my needs according to his riches and glory. that he is my shepherd and i shall not want. that he began a good work in me and will be faithful to complete it. that he works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. that he knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. that my heart may plan my way but he will establish my steps. 

in this regard, this journey of faith means believing two things: that God sees it all. my past, my future. my dreams. my desires. my fears. he knows in six months or a year from now what continent i will be on, what the color of my bedroom walls will be, who my roomates will be, where i'll be working, the names and faces of my neighbors, and their dogs.... he knows what my thirties hold. he knows about the minivan. and the hairs on my head, that are starting to sprout white. my numbered days. he sees all of that. 

...and he has my good. more than i do, he knows what is best for my heart, for the ways that he has wired me, for the purposes he has for my short little existence here. even when i don't get the things i think i want, or in the timing i desire, or in the form i imagine in my mind. even when everything looks tipped upside-down and backwards, and i have no clue what's next. even in spite of my fearful attempts to claw for the second-rate-better-than-nothing. even now, when the whole world is my oyster and i have a million options in front of me and i just don't want to make such big decisions alone. he has my good. he's not going to leave me stranded, grasping for plan B, C, or Z. he has abundance and fullness of joy. and a deeper fulfillment than i could conjure up for myself. fullness of heart that transcends circumstance, that no perfectly self-crafted life could promise. 

when i hold those two truths before myself, when i let them in, when i remember...then i can breathe. i can stop fearing. and stop fighting. can be ok with not knowing. then i can rest. and be in today. which is a much better way to be, since that's all i have to work with anyway.

now to trust him on that.