who am i?
i'm still trying to figure that out. my identity i mean. not in the "where in the world is carmen san diego" kind of way. but what it means to no longer grasp at straws, trying to eek out a sense of self from my perception of what i think other people think of me. or from how much i accomplish, or how much i feel like i contribute to the world. or what my experiences have been, or the passions i have, or the knowledge i've collected. it's a precarious house of cards, teetering between shame and pride while attempting to find a sense of self worth from all the wrong places.
what i'm coming to believe to be true is that i am a daughter of God, beloved of him. not orphaned or on the fringe but in the loop and a part of the family. not lacking or waiting around for the leftovers, but being poured into abundantly by a generous God, the author of every good thing. not alone and vulnerable but guarded and protected. not overlooked but rejoiced over with singing! he is my strong tower. my identity. my peace. and my joy. sovereign, faithful, and good. and that changes everything about who i am. who we all are.
why am i here?
i have training as a social worker. i have a passion to support and advocate for the oppressed. to enter into places of deep suffering. to stand up for justice. i am here as a social work advisor, supporting the work of anti-trafficking efforts in Cambodia. i am here to learn from an incredible human rights organization, support national staff, and assist with victim casework. i am here because i care about the one, the girl who is being exploited and violated right now.
yes. this is why i am here. that said... let me share the reason why i'm here.
one of my favorite writers, Henri Nouwen, once wrote of "the profound spiritual truth that service is an expression of the search for God and not just of the desire to bring about individual or social change."
i am here because i have been on a long journey trying to understand why God allows suffering. what i have come to believe years later is that this is entirely the wrong question. that we can never know the ways of God on this side of heaven, and that any quick answer is either pithy and presumptuous OR dangerously misrepresents God's character. i have come to understand, for myself at least, that the real question is not WHY but WHERE. where is God in the midst of suffering? this is a very different question. once i began asking that, i couldn't stop seeing the answer: that he is everywhere. i have seen God in the midst of despair in ways i cannot deny as long as i live. "if you seek him, he will be found by you," God said to the Israelites through a prophet in Chronicles 15:2. it feels like a dare, whispered by a lover in the night. or shouted in laughter amidst a game of tag with children. so i keep looking for him. i am here to see God. i am here to see Him show up. for these girls. for the one. and to be a part of him showing up for them.
sometimes i forget to look. get caught up in my house of cards trying to find myself that i forget that the story isn't about me. so i am reminding myself why i'm here, and what i'm looking for.
why joy?
it's a promise. a promise God has made to me, that he is bringing me into deeper and deeper joy. so i am reminding myself this as well. that i'm on a journey into joy.
i'm still trying to figure that out. my identity i mean. not in the "where in the world is carmen san diego" kind of way. but what it means to no longer grasp at straws, trying to eek out a sense of self from my perception of what i think other people think of me. or from how much i accomplish, or how much i feel like i contribute to the world. or what my experiences have been, or the passions i have, or the knowledge i've collected. it's a precarious house of cards, teetering between shame and pride while attempting to find a sense of self worth from all the wrong places.
what i'm coming to believe to be true is that i am a daughter of God, beloved of him. not orphaned or on the fringe but in the loop and a part of the family. not lacking or waiting around for the leftovers, but being poured into abundantly by a generous God, the author of every good thing. not alone and vulnerable but guarded and protected. not overlooked but rejoiced over with singing! he is my strong tower. my identity. my peace. and my joy. sovereign, faithful, and good. and that changes everything about who i am. who we all are.
why am i here?
i have training as a social worker. i have a passion to support and advocate for the oppressed. to enter into places of deep suffering. to stand up for justice. i am here as a social work advisor, supporting the work of anti-trafficking efforts in Cambodia. i am here to learn from an incredible human rights organization, support national staff, and assist with victim casework. i am here because i care about the one, the girl who is being exploited and violated right now.
yes. this is why i am here. that said... let me share the reason why i'm here.
one of my favorite writers, Henri Nouwen, once wrote of "the profound spiritual truth that service is an expression of the search for God and not just of the desire to bring about individual or social change."
i am here because i have been on a long journey trying to understand why God allows suffering. what i have come to believe years later is that this is entirely the wrong question. that we can never know the ways of God on this side of heaven, and that any quick answer is either pithy and presumptuous OR dangerously misrepresents God's character. i have come to understand, for myself at least, that the real question is not WHY but WHERE. where is God in the midst of suffering? this is a very different question. once i began asking that, i couldn't stop seeing the answer: that he is everywhere. i have seen God in the midst of despair in ways i cannot deny as long as i live. "if you seek him, he will be found by you," God said to the Israelites through a prophet in Chronicles 15:2. it feels like a dare, whispered by a lover in the night. or shouted in laughter amidst a game of tag with children. so i keep looking for him. i am here to see God. i am here to see Him show up. for these girls. for the one. and to be a part of him showing up for them.
sometimes i forget to look. get caught up in my house of cards trying to find myself that i forget that the story isn't about me. so i am reminding myself why i'm here, and what i'm looking for.
why joy?
it's a promise. a promise God has made to me, that he is bringing me into deeper and deeper joy. so i am reminding myself this as well. that i'm on a journey into joy.
Thank you for sharing, friend! The Lord is rocking my "house of cards"... I am encouraged by your journey--encouraged to look up... to know that my strength and identity is found in my creator and not in what I've created... in what I do... in how I'm perceived. Blessing on you, on us, as we journey into joy with Christ.
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