culture shock

culture shock is a common phrase, highly overused and a bit misunderstood. most people who move from one country to another are told to expect it. i was warned of it. told it was normal, it happens to everyone. be honest about it. take extra care of yourself. it comes around 3 months, after the honeymoon stage, and it will pass.


but honestly, i thought: whatever, it won't really hit me. in my pride and utter cluelessness i thought that somehow a grad school education in social work and years of self-exploration and practice in personal self-care would put me ahead of the game in this department. if only...


i will say that it's not quite how people describe it. or not how i've had it in my head based on definitions and descriptions, all of which are a bit cliche and cheesy. so i'm going to put my vulnerable self out there and define it in my own words. if nothing else, so that i can remember this in another few months if a wave of this hits again.


culture shock (for me) looks like...

• feeling so tired i want to stay in bed
• eating lots of gummy bears (thank you LB) 
• attempting to get across town but not having enough language to say where and not having enough sense of direction to know which way is west and drawing a map on my hand as more and more people pull over to help me, triggering shame, frustration and tears, because by 4 months i should know better!
• not wanting to answer emails or respond to text messages or talk to anyone
• wanting to get lost in a novel
• getting lost in a novel
• not journaling much
• feeling high as a kite one moment and 15 minutes later feeling like the world is about to end
• feeling like i'm 13 (see above bullet point) 
• wanting to kill the cats downstairs who get into horrific cat fights and scream like demon-possessed babies in the middle of the night
• being cranky and short with others
• not being able to fall asleep
• drinking way too many coffees in a day to get by
• feeling unmotivated to study language, because it feels impossible
• feeling too tired to even analyze issues of privilege and oppression and incarnation
• feeling overwhelmed even thinking about how i should start thinking about the future  

it's not even anything special or particularly related to Cambodia (minus the cats) that sends me into a funk (which i now come to commonly refer to as my "fourth month funk.") and it's not even that i look like that list all the time, but that's what the low moments look like, mixed with spurts of creativity and excitement and deeper investment in my work and relationships here. i really do love living in Cambodia. i love that personal space bubbles are small and that girls hold hands and guys pat each other on the leg. that you can buy food off of rolling carts with sing-songy voices announcing their arrival like ice cream trucks. that bargaining is assumed and if the price is fixed it's announced with a sign. that asking "have you eaten rice yet" is the equivalent of asking how you're doing. that family is of utmost importance. Cambodia is an incredible and beautiful place, and easy to love. many things are different, and some things are difficult to witness--forms of oppression and belief systems that are tragically damaging. apples and oranges really: universal human problems with different names than those i've grown up with in "Ah-mah-rick."

but for me, thusfar, culture shock isn't really ABOUT those things. at least not in content. i think all of those differences (new noises, smells, foods, friends, language, rules, ways of being, etc) add up to more sensory overload in my subconscious mind than I give credit for, and then when regular stuff---the spilled-milk, forgot to buy something at the grocery store, left my cell phone at home, lost my keys--happens: the reserves are low and all of a sudden i'm experiencing a kind of low that should be reserved for true disasters, not a bad hair day. 

i hope to be rounding the corner soon, and i think i am. several really good friends and some timely conversations have helped. as have long hours spent reading at my favorite bookstore or nestled in the hammock in my living room. and giving myself permission to say no to rice sometimes. i started to ride my bicycle, which i think i will look back at as a personal tipping point (in every good way). i will post a picture soon, but for now will say that it's opening up a whole new world for me. 

i write this not for response, or even understanding, but for remembrance. putting it into words is quite cathartic actually. and possibly it will resonate with others overseas in the same boat. if so, you're not alone. i'm not alone. this is normal, they were right about that part. get a lot of sleep, and give yourself a little grace. and save a few gummy bears for me. :)