finding my way

I rode to work this morning, flying over potholes on my moto enjoying the coolish (80 degree) morning breeze, and passed a guy on an electric bicycle. In long saffron monk robes. Wearing a bicycle helmet and Nike tennis shoes. With a white guy face and blue eyes. I laughed outloud and smiled the whole rest of the way.

I'm smiling more these days. Trying to just chill out and enjoy my life here. Be present with all that is around and within me. It's a good way. I don't always know how to do it. I've lost my way a lot here. Especially the last 6 months. But I'm finding my way back.

Summertime was the craziest ever, and by the end of it I was a wound up ball of fear and control, obsessed with perfectionism, completion, and having the last word. My heart was not so pretty, I admit. I poured myself into some of the most time-intensive projects I've ever done, stopped hanging out with friends (largely because many were out of town and unfortunately not there to do a friend-er-vention on my work habits), and broke all of my own self-care rules.

Then my biggest living overseas fear came true: dengue fever.

Which honestly wasn't as bad as I had feared - those two lethargic, itchy, low-platelet weeks in bed, half spent drugged on ridiculous amounts of benadryl and anti-nausea medicines watching full seasons of Switched at Birth & Downton Abbey while losing 8 pounds on a diet of pasta, spaghetti sauce and apple juice. This brought me to a beautiful stand-still. Or a lay-flat. I got to the point of reading my favorite poet, Mary Oliver, and staring out the window soaking in her words. This is always a sign that I'm in my sweet-spot. And some really raw talk time with God. Good stuff, this gift in disguise. :)

My parents came after that. Show-them-around-my-world time. And lay-on-the-beach-in-Thailand time. It was lovely. Another friend after that. And lots of coming back to my heart and looking inside.

Then my world-wind trip home. "Home." That ubiquitous word that changes and shifts in various places. Time in Portland, my beloved city that feels different two years later after so many marriages and relocations of friends. Great coffee dates, trips to Trader Joes, church connections, movie night slumber parties, and an ever-present head-cold. An amazing roadtrip seeing friends from Vancouver and back - long talks by fireplaces and late nights on couches, reading books and little kid dance parties, collecting beach treasures, meeting pet chickens and new babies, seeing new homes. Then weeks in Alaska, this place that seems to feel more like "home" the longer I'm away.  Christmas get-togethers, Cambodia talks, play time with two little sweets who aren't babies anymore, the most fantastic game of Around-the-world in Dodd family history, slumber parties with my sister, connecting with a life-giving tribe of women, and a full education in light saber battle techniques. Then time in Texas preparing for a wedding, meeting an awesome crowd of New Zealanders, ringing in the new year playing pool in honky tonk bar, and the most epic wedding and reception I've been to in years!

Now I'm back. This year has started with both expected and unexpected changes ahead, the navigation of which is still unknown. I'm learning to let go of the fantasy that turning 30 was the end of all things complicated. I don't have answers. And there is no "perfect" way to do any of what's ahead this year. So I'm letting that go. Giving space for my sadness and fear when it comes. Asking for help. Accepting life on life's terms. Taking on a morning and bedtime routine. Showing up with love and doing my best. And laughing at the white monk riding his electric bicycle, and other assorted random things I get to enjoy every day if only I'm present enough to notice.

Thanks those of you praying with and for me.